Resolutions

Diablo: She asked me to make a New Year's resolution.

Phoenix: And?

Diablo: She asked me not to bite her anymore.

Phoenix: And?

Diablo: We reached a compromise. I'll try not to break skin.

Phoenix: Tell me how come you are her favorite?

South

Diablo: I don't think we are going south.

Phoenix: Okay by me. I hate that traveling gig.

Diablo: Yeah, but look outside. See? There is snow everywhere.

Phoenix: It don't bother me. I'm not going out there.

Diablo: Yeah but...there isn't any more grass to eat.

Phoenix: Diablo, I think you been eating too much rabbit. Rabbits eat grass. You're a cat. You eat rabbit.

Toilet

Phoenix: What do you see?

Diablo: Nothing.

Phoenix: Let me up there.

Diablo: Careful. Don’t push me.

Phoenix: Well? Are you going to do it?

Diablo: I’m pretty thirsty. I heard dogs do this all the time.

Phoenix: Yuck.

Diablo: It is kind of far down in there. I don’t know if I can reach the water.

Phoenix: Lean way over. Balance. Keep your tail back. Steady. Careful.

Crisis

Diablo: I’m starving.

Phoenix: Me too.

Diablo: How come that lady isn’t coming inside to feed us?

Phoenix: I’m not sure. For some reason she can’t open the door. There is something wrong with the lock.

Diablo: I want something to eat. My belly hurts. It was last night when we had our last meal.

Phoenix: We can prowl around the kitchen and see if we can open something up.

Diablo: Valerie did a pretty good job locking everything up. I haven’t been able to open any cabinets. There isn't nothing on the counter except an onion. I might eat peas, but I got to draw the line on the onion. I’m not that hungry, yet.

Phoenix: We don’t have much water.

Diablo: The toilet…

Phoenix: Don’t even go there.

No Petting

Phoenix: Where the hell is everybody?

Diablo: I miss Valerie. No snacks. This lady comes in, feeds us, cleans the litter box and leaves. She watches us eat.

Phoenix: That is so you can’t sneak a bite of my food. You and your rabbit and pea diet.

Diablo: You can have some.

Phoenix: I’ll stick to beef and chicken byproducts, thank you.

Giving Thanks

Diablo: What are you thankful for?

Phoenix: I am thankful for not being in that RV anymore. How about you? What are you thankful for?

Diablo: Rabbit and peas and that nice man who feed us for four days all the food we could get down into our tummies.

Phoenix: Be grateful he wasn't fatting you up for Thanksgiving dinner.

Diablo: What? He had a funny accent, but he didn't look Chinese to me.

Peas Please

Diablo: I smell French fries.

Phoenix: Heard you are going on a special diet.

Diablo: Mi Diet, Su Diet.

Phoenix: Heard you are going to eat kangaroo and peas.

Diablo: Sounds yummy. You smell French fries?

Phoenix: Peas?

Diablo: Yeah, peas. Except, they got to be canned. Only canned. Not frozen.

Phoenix: Peas?

Diablo: Yeah, peas. Where are those French Fries?

Phoenix: We are parked next to McDonald’s. Don’t get too excited. She’s not getting you any fries.

Diablo: Ummm. By the way…what is kangaroo?

Missing Home

Diablo: Did you see that road sign?

Phoenix: West (By God) Virginia?

Diablo: That's a new one. How many states does that make?

Phoenix: No it isn’t. We went through West Virginia in June. In the Jeep. Remember?

Diablo: Oh yeah. That eighteen hour ordeal. How could I forget? We traveled all night.

Phoenix: You ended up hiding in a box in the back.

Diablo: So how many states have we been in?

Phoenix: Counting Tennessee? Fourteen.

Diablo: I liked Rhodes Island best. Good grass and great fried clams.

Phoenix: Me. I preferred Tennessee. Could have stayed in the office and forgot about all this.

Discoveries

Phoenix: I don’t believe it. There is something you won’t eat.

Diablo: It does weird things to me.

Phoenix: For a cat who eats peas, avocado, chick-peas, carrots, corn and hot salsa I can’t imagine why you don’t eat peanut butter.

Diablo: It sticks to the roof of my mouth.

Phoenix: By the way...

Diablo: I know. We ain't going south no more.

Teeth Marks

Phoenix: You are a loco cat.

Diablo: I don’t know what overcame me.

Phoenix: You have done that more times than all the cats she has ever had - combined. In fact, after the second time you exceeded all others.

Diablo: Let’s see. There was the time at the vet’s about two days after she rescued us from the pound.

Phoenix: Yes, you had not eaten a thing in two days and you were a little kitten. She was very concerned about your welfare.

Diablo: The vet had this great smelling foooood. Her hand was in the way. Then there was the time I brought her down like a water buffalo.

Phoenix: Right on her naked ass. You were possessed. A few months later you stalked her in the kitchen. Your wild-eyed crazed look made her jump up on the kitchen counter in order to escape.

Diablo: Yeah, she leapt off the counter, dashed into the bedroom and slammed the door to avoid me. I can’t help it. I could see her peaking out from beneath the door as I laid in front of it wanting to get in.

Phoenix: Don’t forget the time in the yard.

Diablo: Now that was perfectly excusable. Three dogs came wandering out of the woods. The scratches on her face were an accident. The scar is barely noticeable.

Phoenix: Torn a hole in her pants too.

Diablo: Claws needed a trim.

Phoenix: About six months ago…

Diablo: Again, an accident. I was going after you.

Phoenix: I remember. But last night? There was no call for it.

Diablo: She wouldn’t let me have any more popcorn.

Phoenix: Four punctures in her left hand. She has a book signing on Thursday. There goes dinner.

Diablo: Does it look infected?

Frozen

Diablo: Get underneath the covers. It’s toasty.

Phoenix: It has to be 25 degrees in here.

Diablo: I am underneath the covers and I would appreciate you not stepping on me.

Phoenix: Oh, that was you? I’m just trying to find the warm spot.

Diablo: I’m trying to sleep. It is going to be a long, dark, cold night. Your ears are going to freeze if you don’t get underneath.

Phoenix: If I keep walking all over her, she’ll get up and turn on the heat. And it keeps me warm.

Diablo: You are driving me crazy. Lay down or I’ll have to swat you a good one.

Phoenix: It will take you ten minutes to find your way out from underneath that nest of blankets.

Still Alive

Diablo: That was stupid.

Phoenix: I have to keep her on her toes. After all, several times yesterday she stood in the doorway and almost dared us to jump outside.

Diablo: Yeah, but there is a huge difference between parked in a campground and speeding down the highway. She was driving when you weaseled your way into the cab. Major no-no. And then you freaked out meowing your head off.

Phoenix: She didn’t appreciate it when I jumped up on the dashboard in her line of vision.

Diablo: Hell, I didn’t appreciate it. She was in the middle of six lanes of traffic during rush hour in Raleigh. Were you trying to kill us?

Phoenix: Trying to get a better view.

Diablo: I thought you were the smart one.

Phoenix: I didn’t think she would ever pull over.

Diablo: I quit looking as I was hiding underneath the bed covers.

Bird Trance

Phew

Diablo: What was that smell?

Phoenix: Grossed me out.

Diablo: What was she doing?

Phoenix: Smelled like she tried to ram her hand down the Airdale’s throat.

Diablo: Ich. Dog slobber.

Phoenix: Then she had the audacity to pet us.

Diablo: Gave me the shivers.

IAMS

Phoenix: Weight control cat food is only weight control if you don’t eat an eight pound bag of it in one sitting.

Diablo: Burp.

Phoenix: Ummm...you don't look too good.

Does it Go?

War

Diablo: I could have taken him.

Phoenix: He had been stalking you for twenty minutes.

Diablo: I know. I lured him in by pretending I did not see the old coon tomcat lurking in the brush.

Phoenix: Nice tactics. I’m impressed.

Diablo: When he came within range, I decided to go after him. He retreated.

Phoenix: To a point. He stood there like a Halloween cat and you kept tugging on the leash wanting to get closer.

Diablo: Valerie was afraid we would get into a tangle and she was worried the stray might have rabies.

Phoenix: I think she was worried he would eat you for lunch.

Diablo: That too.

Under Cover

Phoenix: Were you doing what I think you were doing?

Diablo: What is that?

Phoenix: Sleeping under the covers?

Diablo: Toasty. It was cold in this RV last night.

Phoenix: You are a cat. Have some dignity.

Diablo: Jealous? Besides, she greatly appreciated my warmth.

Office Cats

Phoenix: Home, sweet, home.

Diablo: Familiar faces. Familiar places. Not as much junk food in the office however. Ever since she took me to the vet and was pleased I have lost 6 pounds this year, she has made sure I won’t gain an ounce of it back. It can be torture having a personal trainer.

Phoenix: You did get a lot of compliments. Sleeping in the RV at night, roaming the office during the day…sweet. I even got to sit on the boss’ desk. My old throne. I think he missed me.

Diablo: Yes, the week has been very comfortable. Good for my blood pressure. There aren’t any mice here, but the living is good. I wish we could be office cats again.

Phoenix: Those days are over my friend. And with that person who claims to be “allergic” to “cats”…well, the hey-days are over.

Diablo: Yeah, I had half a mind to give her cat-scratch fever, then she could really whine about something.

Vet

Phoenix: You smell like the Vet's.

Diablo: Quit hissing at me.

Phoenix: You lost some more fur around your hind legs.

Diablo: The Vet thinks I am eating my own fur. After all, I am down six pounds in a year. The new slim me tipped the scale at 10.4. Lean mean mousing machine.

Phoenix: Yeah but you need to figure out how to do a sit up. You got a flabby gut and it is going bald.

Diablo: Keep it up. I got a steriod shot this afternoon. I can take you in three.

Déjà vu - déjà vu

Diablo: Looks familiar.

Phoenix: Smells familiar.

Diablo: We have been here before. The litter box was over there and our food bowls right there.

Phoenix: Where is my sleeping pad?

Diablo: I am not sure I like it here any more. It feels different. Less personal.

Phoenix: Yeah, something is missing, but I can figure out what.

Diablo: Something tells me we are no longer office cats.

Phoenix: I wonder how long we will be here?

Going South

Diablo: Nice and toasty in the sun this afternoon.

Phoenix: Sure beats that torrential downpour over the weekend.

Diablo: Did not care for the acorns dropping on the roof of the RV roof. Disturbed my sleep.

Phoenix: It has been a long couple of weeks.

Diablo: Yeah we had it made at the house. Free mice, the roam of the place, extra food carelessly left on the counter tops.

Phoenix: Nothing careless about it. We were thieves breaking and entering.

Diablo: Yeah, wasn’t it great.

Phoenix: Couldn't last. She shuffled us back into the RV and headed south.

Diablo: Tell me. What was that little thinly haired wrinkly little…what was that?

Phoenix: That my friend was an old dachshund.

Diablo: Gave me the willies. She wanted to lick us and baby us.

Phoenix: Yeah, I don’t care too much for dog spit.

Crunchy Parts

Phoenix: This has been sweet, even if we had to contend with our Yankee Cousin.

Diablo: Yeah, but I get that distinct feeling it is coming to an end.

Phoenix: Me too. The RV is in the driveway and she moved all the boxes out of the bed room.

Diablo: I was so getting the hang of catching mice down in the basement

Phoenix: I think they finally wised up and left. I haven’t seen any in a few days. Valerie was sure she would come back after being away for three days and find mouse heads everywhere.

Diablo: What are you kidding me? Let the crunchy part go to waste. Tasty treats.

Phoenix: It is all coming to an end, my friend. We are going to head south again.

Diablo: And just when I stopped shedding.

Direct Kill

Phoenix: Congratulations. I believe that was your first kill.

Diablo: Thank you.

Phoenix: However, next time don’t leave it in front of the bathroom door.

Diablo: I guess Valerie would have broken her neck trying to avoid swishing the dead furry body between her toes in the middle of the night.

Phoenix: You could have left it on the foot of her bed.

Diablo: I’m going back down into the basement. I think I heard more mice down there.

Sneaky Little Thing

Diablo: You let it get away.

Phoenix: Did not. It started to squeak and that’s when Valerie came in see what we were doing.

Diablo: We were just playing.

Phoenix: True, but I don’t think she cared too much for having it in the house.

Diablo: Sneaky little thing. I wonder where it was hiding for the past two days.

Phoenix: It was in the fold of the bath towel the last time I smelled it.

Diablo: About that time Valerie came into the bathroom with a bucket. After that it disappeared.

Phoenix: If you had not bit down on its head so hard it probably would not have squeaked and we could have been playing a lot longer.

Diablo: I kind of like this house. Large, roomy and a garage full of mice.

Phoenix: Beats traveling in that RV.

Diablo: Did you notice how cute it's eyes were?

Phoenix: Excuse me?

North Bound?

Diablo: I thought we were headed south.

Phoenix: We were.

Diablo: And now?

Phoenix: I think we are back in New York. It feels different. Something is wrong.

Diablo: I am not sure what it is. I have sat on her lap and purred. She seems to need this now.

Easy Treats

Diablo: Let me ask you a question. How come I have to go outside on the leash and when I come in she rewards me with a treat or two and then she tosses you one too? You did not do anything for the treat.

Phoenix: That is why I am known as the smart cat.

Sight Seeing

Phoenix: What a long day. Stop and go, stop and go. I think she was torturing us.

Diablo: She was sight seeing.

Phoenix: It upsets my sense of balance and what is right with the world.

Diablo: Give me a break. You make out like you are being tortured. If you aren’t careful and change that look, someone might come by and call the Humane Society. We both have been on that side of the fence. We don’t want to go back there. No one is going to adopt two, old cats. Every one wants a cute, adorable fuzzy kitten, even if they are not litter trained. We would be condemned within six weeks of hell living in a cage before the end of out days! And you? Look at you. Who wants a skinny cat?

Phoenix: Well, one would look at you and they would pass you by too. Who wants a fat cat? You’d frighten them into thinking you would bust their household budget.

Diablo: So see, we are better off on this rod trip. Outside of a few hours of travel every few days, it isn’t so bad. Get to smell those fishy ocean breezes, watch birds, rabbits and squirrels in the camp grounds…

Phoenix: You seem to be contented. You took to the cat scratching pad Valerie bought to keep you from tearing up the carpet on the walls. And then you played like a foolish little kitten with that paper bag the corn came in.

Diablo: Corn. Yummy. She left three ears out on the counter and I got to eat some of it raw. So delicious.

Phoenix: You are one sick cat. You think anyone else in the world would feed you corn and green beans.

Diablo: Yummm. Green beans. Being carnivorous is so over-rated.

Rabbit

Phoenix: If you had been paying attention to my incredible problem-solving abilities, you would know how to open the door. When that fat little rabbit came waltzing past the door you could have swung that door open and....dinner. It would have been surprised.

Diablo: Did you see its smug attitude?

Phoenix: All I saw was your face smashing into the screen and your tail beating as fast as the windshield wipers in a deluge.

Diablo: Well you have a new problem to solve now. Valerie put a child-proof latch on the slide.

Phoenix: Elementary. I watched the whole installation process.

Diablo: And the bungee cord to keep the door shut?

Phoenix: Working on it.

Diablo: If you don’t watch out that door will come flying back to hit you in the face.

The Brains and the Brawn

Home Depot

Diablo: Okay Einstein. You now have figured out how to open the slide to the screen door, and you have managed to open the screen door as well.

Phoenix: It is good to have options.

Diablo: Well, we are now going on a tip to Home Depot, thanks to you.

Phoenix: I won’t be deterred.

The Plot

Diablo: She doesn’t expect you to make it back home.

Phoenix: I kind of think there isn’t a home anymore. First she takes us out of the office where, I got to tell you, life was good, even if David loved throwing me up in the air like a sag of potatoes.

Diablo: Yeah and I could got all kinds of junk food out of the office snack bar after you learned how to open the sling glass door.

Phoenix: A trick that came in pretty handy. Then for six months she sequestered us in that tiny studio apartment while she remodeled the kitchen.

Diablo: Remember when you got behind the wall?. She was pissed.

Phoenix: Pissed because I out smarted her. I waited patiently for two days before I saw my opportunity to sneak behind her and through that hole in the wall. Anyway, then she dragged us on that all night trip in her Jeep to spend a month at her parents’ house in New York. What are Tennessee cats to make of these Yankees?

Diablo: That wasn’t too bad. I managed to put on a few grams eating our Yankee cousin’s food. I don’t think The Booter cat was any worst for it.

Phoenix: I showed you where the food was and how to bust into the jar.

Diablo: I liked sitting at the dinner table, putting on the charm. Her mom thought I was the sweetest cat. Couldn’t figure out how Valerie resisted feeding me table scraps.

Phoenix: Valerie didn’t like that love handle you acquired. That is the reason she has us on a diet now. Speaking of now…look at our plight. Where are we headed? There is no home. We are just roaming around trying to sell a book about sailing. I heard there is a story in there about throwing cats overboard.

Diablo: Please…don’t speak of such things.

Phoenix: I am busting out of here.

Diablo: You have managed to open the slide on the screen door twice and jump out. You might be smart, but it wasn’t too cool in the middle of the night.

Phoenix: Hey, I am a cat. I can see at night.

Diablo: I might have all the looks and you all the brains, but I think I rather take my chances in the RV.

Phoenix: If she puts me on that leash one more time, I am out of here.

Treasured Cat Toy

Diablo: Congratulations on your find. It was mummified. Stiff as a board. I am surprised it didn’t stink to high heavens.

Phoenix: My saliva glands couldn’t stop watering.

Diablo: Valerie was a little grossed out.
Phoenix: Yeah, her curiosity got the best of her when she noticed I took an interest in digging through the pile of grocery bags she had stored under the sink. When she blindly reached into the cabinet I knew she was in for a surprise. She put her fingers on its little furry head and pulled her hand back as fast as a snake strikes. Thought it was still alive.

Diablo: Hardly. Probably has been dead since 2004. Rat poison, I am sure.

Phoenix: Nevertheless, it would have made an excellent cat toy. Lord knows I could use a little stimulation.


Diablo: That was why she left the cabinet door open for you. Let you got exploring into the deep recesses of The Rig.

Phoenix: What have you caught lately?

Diablo: You didn’t catch a thing. You found a dead mouse.

Phoenix: And she had to toss it out the door.

Diablo: Smile!
Phoenix: Okay, now you. Say Cheese!

Corn Cobs

Phoenix: What the hell are you doing?

Diablo: Eating.

Phoenix: That is garbage! It’s a corn cob!

Diablo: It’s good. Sweet, chewy, a bit salty, and somewhat…. oooooh, buttery.

Phoenix: You aren’t suppose to eat the cob. You are chewing on it like a dog on a bone. It is making me ill.

Diablo: How about “like a tiger on a goat’s neck?” It is good you should try it. Don’t you know half that dried cat food she feeds us is made with corn?

Phoenix: I have noticed she is giving us less of it and you aren’t losing any weight.

Diablo: Wait a minute. I think I can see my hips again. I am sure I am down a couple of grams.

Phoenix: I noticed you hacked up a wad of grass this morning. You old goat.

Diablo: I was upset. She brought me inside before I was ready.

Phoenix: Frankly, you never are ready to come inside. Didn’t you see that monster Class A 45 foot diesel Monaco Executive with twin slides outside this morning? You always hunker down when they come by.

Diablo: That ain’t hunkering down. That is bowing before the gods.

Phoenix: She scooped you up to save your tabby ass from get run over by the gods.

Diablo: Oh shit. Here she comes.

Phoenix: You better get those corn bits off your whiskers. Of course, the mangled corn cob in the middle of the floor is a dead give away.

Diablo: Think she’ll notice?

Eats

Phoenix: What was going on outside last night?

Diablo: You didn’t see it?

Phoenix: Couldn’t see a thing. Sure had your tail snapping in the wind.

Diablo: Fat-ass chipmunk. I could just feel his little head in my mouth. Yummmmee.

Phoenix: Yuck. I’ll stick to eating moths and flies.

Diablo: You might as well be a vegetarian.

Phoenix: Look who is talking. You eat tomatoes, corn, carrots and avocados. You might as well be a dog or a trash compactor.

Diablo: Actually the grass around here is pretty sparse.

Real Escape

Phoenix: Good Lord, you were not suppose to jump out the window!

Diablo: If that was the case, why did you open it?

Phoenix: Testing my powers of analytical thinking.

Diablo: Well, it looked nice out there. Besides, she was out there.

Phoenix: No she wasn’t. She had gone across the parking lot to case out the books store, two blocks away. She could have been gone for hours. What if she had decided to see a movie or garb a bite to eat in the marketplace?

Diablo: Well I was just sitting underneath The Rig. I wasn’t outside that long.

Phoenix: The look on her face when she returned and saw the screen wide open. I know she thought I jumped out. But when she discovered it was you…well, she was scared to death. She immediately thought she lost you. It scared me! She looked at the woods and knew you were gone. She probably would have camped there for eternity, hoping you would return.

Diablo: Geeeze. I was just under The Rig.

Phoenix: She did not see you. Did you see the tears in her eyes? Did you hear the fright in her voice when she called out your name? Desperate and heart wrenching.

Diablo: Yeah, that made me a little concerned too. Honestly, I was getting a little scared. There were lots of cars. I could see the tires slowly roll by. And I did not know how I was going to get back in.

Phoenix: I was coming out after you.

Diablo: Oh? What, you didn’t think I could jump back through the window?

Phoenix: You are a little on the chubby side.

Diablo: At least my body isn’t all boney like yours.

Fake Escape

Diablo: You shouldn’t do that to her.

Phoenix: I wasn’t doing anything.

Diablo: You were hiding. Valerie could not find you.

Phoenix: She wasn’t looking very hard.

Diablo: She knows you can open cabinets and doors. You spent the better part of yesterday stashed under the bench or in the cabinet with the cat food. I can’t believe you didn’t chow down.
Phoenix: Would have made too much noise tearing into the bag.

Diablo: Valerie gets worried when she doesn’t know where you are. She even went outside and took a look around the RV. Guess she thought you had managed to get outside somehow. We all know how elusive you are.

Phoenix: I have mastered the trick of disappearing.

Diablo: Don’t do that.

Phoenix: What is with you and that leash? You look like a dog.

Diablo: Hey, careful there. It is no big deal. Today, I got to roll around in the dirt and lounged under the RV while Valerie painted her toenails.

Phoenix: She put that on me and it feels like I have a horse’s saddle on my back. Gives me the willies. When she took me outside, it was hotter than a tin roof. I managed to shed enough fur to knit a sweater. I preferred sleeping the afternoon on the comfortable box that contains 40 copies of The Last Voyage of the Cosmic Muffin.

Diablo: I prefer to be outside. Chased a chipmunk and stalked a herd of turkeys.

Phoenix: I think that is a flock…

Diablo: Whatever.

Mosquitoes

Diablo: Honestly, I did not realize she was being eaten alive by mosquitoes. I guess I was just absorbed in the moment—eating grass, rolling in the dirt and stalking that skinny-ass squirrel. One would think inside a campground there would be plenty of campers’ trash and picnic tables to raid that these squirrels could put a few extra ounces on their bones.

Phoenix: I don’t know how you can even think about going outside in this heat.

Diablo: It wasn’t my idea. Valerie cuffed me in that harness and leash. She opened the door and invited me out. I thought it was my duty to scout around the RV. You know. Make sure everything was all right. I checked the underside of The Rig. Found the dirt underneath was cool. Good for a roll.

Phoenix: I’m still recovering from that horrible excursion over the mountains in Vermont. I swear we were not going to make it up that first one. I thought I saw a bicycle rider pass us on the right side. His legs were spinning faster than we were moving. The RV was chugging.

Diablo: Yeah and did you see her calmly pull over when the engine light came on?

Phoenix: Calmly?

Diablo: Well, she ate a fruit cocktail as if nothing was wrong. Then jumped back in the cab and took off.

Phoenix: Too scared to pop the hood.

Diablo: You were looking a little green by the time we hit New Hampshire.

Phoenix: You know the state’s motto? Live Free of Die. Traveling in this RV is not living free and I felt like dying. I was exhausted after doing my best to convince Valerie to turn around and call this whole thing off.

Diablo: You have a loud meow.

Phoenix: Someone has to ask, “What are we doing here?”

Diablo: One day at a time my friend. It’s cool in the camper. The sleeping bag is fluffy and I’m tired. We are all tired. Tomorrow, we get to see Gloucester. Oldest seaport in America. I can smell the salt air, the sticky heavy air of the ocean…

Phoenix: Like you are ever going to walk on the beach. I’m going to see if I can bust that cabinet’s sliding door. There is food in there.

What is going on?

Phoenix: Something tells me the next few months are going to be hell.

Diablo: Maybe not.

Phoenix: Look. We have been put in this RV and left alone for the last two days. Not fun.

Diablo: But she comes and feeds us. She pets us and this air conditioning has been pretty sweet.

Phoenix: I don't like this. Something is up. Too much activity, not enough attention paid to us. She is on the phone or on this computer all the time talking about her new book, The Last Voyage of the Cosmic Muffin. Got all excited the other day when a reporter from the Glouscester-Times called and asked for an interview.

Diablo: Yeah, and she even got us new cat toys. I love that carrot with the feathers.

Phoenix: My guess she is trying to bribe us. Clean litter pan, cat treats... Hell, I have been walking on the counters in this RV and she had not said a word. Not even when I coughed a hair ball in the sink.

Diablo: That was too convienent to clean up. You got to go for the bed. Pillow is good. That stunt you pulled this morning was good.

Phoenix: I heard her tell her mom how I jumped straight up on the sloped range hood and squeezed into the cabinet above the stove all in one smooth move.

Diablo: Pretty awesome.

Phoenix: I'm hungry.

Diablo: See if you can open that cabinet where she keeps to food. Did you see that rabbit across the road?