Cat Heaven

Diablo: There are seven stages to cat Heaven.

Phoenix: Hummm. Let's me guess. Number one. Full belly?

Diablo: That's right.

Phoenix: Number two. Anything dairy?

Diablo: Except blue cheese. Just grosses me out.

Phoenix: Number three. Scratch under the chin.

Diablo: Oooooh, so good.

Phoenix: Number four. Clean Litter box

Diablo: Most definiately.

Phoenix: Hacking up that annoying fur ball. Got to be number five.

Diablo: Oh good one. Hadn't thought about that.

Phoenix: Number six: Feeling the twitching body of a small rodent between your front paws.

Diablo: Such a turn on. Could be a lizard too.

Phoenix: Sleeping in the sun when it is 72 degrees outside.

Diablo: Purrrrfect.

Eastern Standard

Diablo: It is getting late

Phoenix: I can't get her to move.

Diablo: I'm so hungry I could eat a furball.

Phoenix: She has us in a conditioning program.

Diablo: For what? The New York Marathon?

Phoenix: For that Spring forward, Fall back nonsense.

Diablo: That's why she has been staying in bed until 9 AM.

Phoenix: Well it's 5:50 PM. Time to Eat.

Diablo: I'm ready to spring on something. Go jump on her computer again.

You Stink

Diablo: You smell like the vet.

Phoenix: Follow up visit.

Diablo: And?

Phoenix: I like her, Dr. Randall. A bit more gentle than that David guy in New York.

Diablo: Yeah, yeah, yeah... What about your blood work and urine?

Phoenix: You'll be happy to know my numbers are all within the normal range. My BUN also known as Urea Nitorgen, Creatinine and Phosphorus are well within the ranges. Very different from three weeks ago.

Diablo: Wow.

Phoenix: Wow is right. No more injections.

Diablo: How about sharing that KD diet with me?

Phoenix: I heard you need to lose a little weight. Vet actually said I needed to gain some.

Diablo: I've been starving ever since we left New York. Rumor has it we are due for shots next month.

Home

Diablo: Smells the same. Home sweet Home!

Phoenix: You mean to tell me after all that we are right back where we started from?

Diablo: Appears that way. Ain't it great?

Phoenix: What was that all about?

Diablo: I don't know. Guess it was just about a vacation.

Phoenix: Let me see. Six days in a car. Shabby hotel rooms. Trying to use a litter box at 70 miles per hour. Tractor Trailer rumbling by. You hissing at me. Getting tossed to the back seat if I tried to get on the dashboard. Injections between the shoulder blades. Getting dragged out from underneath a bed by the scruff of the neck...or tail as was the case this morning.

Diablo: You know a lot of that could've been avoided.

Phoenix: Yeah, if we just stayed home in the first place.

Diablo: You know what I can't figure out?

Phoenix: What's that?

Diablo: All that traveling and not once did we stop at Cracker Barrel.

Fill 'Er Up

Diablo: Hee-hee-hee.

Phoenix: What is so funny?

Diablo: You look like a camel. Oh, Oh. I know. You look like the Hunch Back of Notre Dame.

Phoenix: Not funny.

Diablo: Oooo, Ooooo! How about a humpback whale?

Phoenix: Knock it off. You better hope you never need fluids.

Diablo: I’m sorry. Can I lick your face?

A Conspiracy?

Diablo: I bet you were scared.

Phoenix: Not until that huge pit bull came through the waiting room. Compared to the canine, the needle looked pretty tame, even if she never stuck anyone with needle before.

Diablo: What was it like?

Phoenix: Not too bad. She did a pretty good job on the first try. She told the vet it felt like taking a sewing needle and pushing through a piece of cloth.

Diablo: A piece of leather maybe?

Phoenix: I’m not that tough skinned.

Diablo: How much trouble are you going to give her? Squirming? Clawing? Any biting?

Phoenix: Well, she is feeling a bit queasy about the whole process. She actually asked the vet for some Valium. I don’t think I should pull any shenanigans. Her being a novice and all. We are talking about a needle. She mentioned to the vet that she was headed back south.

Diablo: That’s worth one good nip. Right between the forefinger and thumb.

Phoenix: No kidding. But I’ll let you have the honors. Wouldn’t want to mar my reputation.

Special Diet

Diablo: Why do you get all the goodie food?

Phoenix: You mean the canned food? That's because it is a special diet.

Diablo: SO?

Phoenix: Look. You eat almost anything and you're getting a little chubby. So she doesn't feed you as much.

Diablo: I'm hungry.

Phoenix: Get use to it. If this was January you'd be a resolution.

Better

Diablo: You feeling better?

Phoenix: Yeah, but still a little weak.

Diablo: You keep puking. On the bed, on the rug and today on the freshly laundried tablecloth and place mats.

Phoenix: Convenient at the time.

Sick Kitty

Diablo: What’s wrong?

Phoenix: Kidneys, apparently.

Diablo: Shit

Phoenix: No, piss.

Diablo: Serious?

Phoenix: Pretty much. Kidneys are having a hard time cleaning up the protein residue. I have an infection. Awful thirsty, food tastes like crap…

Diablo: Ooooh, that is serious. But aren’t you kind of young to have kidney trouble.

Phoenix: The Vet had a hard time believing I am only eight. Kidney failure happens much later for us felines. Now I have to eat a special diet. You eat D/D. I eat K/D.

Diablo: D/D is for dander disease and K/D is for kidney disease?

Phoenix: Something like that.

Diablo: You know she’ll take good care of you.

Phoenix: A pill jammed down my throat twice a day ain’t much fun.

Fig Newtons

Phoenix: You know you can climb a tree if you want to get that squirrel.

Diablo: Really?

Phoenix: Yeah, use your claws?

Diablo: Hum? Okay. How do I get down?

Phoenix: That is the tricky part. It involves physics.

Diablo: Fizzy-icks? Doesn’t sound too good.

Phoenix: Everything in the universe works on it. Something called Newton’s Laws.

Diablo: Rules, rules and more rules. Like I can’t eat off the dining room table?

Phoenix: Not exactly. More like a body in motion tends to stay in motion.

Diablo: Oh, that explains why dogs chase their tails.

Phoenix: Yeah, and a body at rest tends to stay at rest.

Diablo: Sure I get it. Cat naps. Now that is a law I can live with.

Phoenix: How about for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction?

Diablo: Easy one. Eat cat food. Poop cat food.

Phoenix: Well, something like that.

Diablo: So what has Newton got to do with getting out of a tree?

Phoenix: The Law of Gravity. Seems this Newton guy was sitting under a tree and a something fell on his head.

Diablo: A cat? You want me to fall out of the tree?

Phoenix: You want to get that squirrel, don’t you?

Diablo: I think I'll look for some figs and gravy in the kitchen.

Flashback

Diablo: You see that?

Phoenix: Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!

Diablo: Have you heard her say anything?

Phoenix: No, and I don't want to hear anything! What the hell is that RV doing in the drive way?

Diablo: Looks like it is getting prepped for a road trip.

Phoenix: I can tell you right now... I am NOT GOING!

Diablo: Do we have the option?

Cousin Cuisine

Phoenix: Good job

Diablo: Just got lucky. Puke landed right on hardwood floor. No carpet.

Phoenix: Sick?

Diablo: Naw. I think it is that rabbit and pea diet.

Phoenix: Maybe some of that canned food you stole from Booter?

Diablo: Yeah, that too. Why doesn't she feed us any of that stuff?

Vaguely Familar

Phoenix: Smell that?

Diablo: Sure do.

Phoenix: It's that Booter Cat.

Diablo: Guess we are home. Let's see what she has in her food bowl.

Housekeeping

Phoenix: So, who was hiding under the bed this morning?

Diablo: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Phoenix: What's the matter? Scared?

Diablo: No. Just didn't feel like leaving.

Phoenix: Me neither. But what was the alternative? Live under the bed, until the maid comes with the vacuum cleaner?

Diablo: Judging by the loose change, candy wrappers and dust bunnies, I don't think that was going to be a problem.

Phoenix: Amen.

Heading North

Diablo: Excuse me. 'You going to spend all night under the bed?

Phoenix: What’s it to ya?

Diablo: Oh, come on. The motel ain’t that bad. Look there is a nice view from the window. Looks like we are on the third floor. Hey, there's the Jeep in the parking lot.

Phoenix: Jeep. Don't remind me.

Diablo: Man. She got the air conditioning fixed just for us. We are back in Tennessee. Jack Daniels, Barbeque, and Little Debbies.

Phoenix: Quit it with the food.

Diablo: Oops, I’m sorry. I forgot. You know, she took you puking up all over her pretty well. Pretty clever of her to have those paper towels in the front seat. What was wrong?

Phoenix: Car sick.

Diablo: Yeah, at mile ten. With 1530 more to go.

Phoenix: Don’t remind me.

HideNseek

Diablo: I am pretending to be a gecko. See how well I can blend into the carpet.

Phoenix: I'm pretending to be asleep.

Food Issues

Phoenix: I guess you are ready to go to Hawaii?

Diablo: How’s that?

Phoenix: Papaya? You were eating papaya.

Diablo: No, I wasn’t.

Phoenix: To hell you weren’t.

Diablo: I was licking the yogurt and hemp powder left behind. Like Rachel Ray says, “Delish.”

Phoenix: And how do you know Rachel Ray?

Diablo: Same way you know what a papaya is. Just call me Aloha Kitty.

Whinnie-The-Pooh

Phoenix: I hate that parfait glass.

Diablo: She puts it in the frrezer and when I put my head in there... God what an ice cream head ache.

Phoenix: Last night, I thought you were going to get your head stuck in the glass.

Diablo: It’s too hard to reach the bottom. My tongue isn't that long. I had to get that last drop.

Phoenix: Neat trick sticking your paw in there. You look like Whinnie-The-Pooh.

Diablo: Who?

Phoenix: Never mind.

Diablo: What's your favorite flavor?

Phoenix: Cookies and Cream.

Diablo: Now you're sounding a bit like me.

Gecko Heads

Diablo: I see you're getting more food.

Phoenix: That is the intent, but you keep eating out of my bowl.

Diablo: How many geckos have you eaten?

Phoenix: Seven or eight.

Diablo: You never eat the heads.

Phoenix: Too personal.

Diablo: What?

Heat

Phoenix: She is such a push over. For months your diet has been strictly rabbit and peas. Your fur has grown back and you are shedding more cat hair than a New Zealander can shear off a sheep.

Diablo: Lamb’s good. I love lamb.

Phoenix: Now every morning when she fixes a cup of decaf, she gives you a spoonful of half and half.

Diablo: Cream’s good. I love cream too.

Phoenix: You’re spoiled rotten.

Diablo: Hey, I don’t see you hiding behind the door when the refrigerator is open. I also noticed more food in your bowl every day. She called you scrawny in one of her stories.

Phoenix: She called you chunky.

Diablo: Hey, it’s the fur.

Phoenix: Yeah, and I went to England to frighten the little mouse under the Queen’s chair.

Diablo: You think she is ever going to turn on the air?

Phoenix: I doubt it.

Diablo: I wish I was still naked.

Viper

Phoenix: I’d be careful if I were you.

Diablo: Are you kidding me? It’s long. Wiggly. What could happen?

Phoenix: It has teeth.

Diablo: No way. Looks like a long rope.

Phoenix: Yeah way. Remember that gecko you ate the other day?

Diablo: What about it?

Phoenix: Remember when it was hanging from your lip?

Diablo: Annoying little thing. Hung there like a clothespin to the clothesline.

Phoenix: It was biting you, stupid.

Diablo: So?

Phoenix: So, this thing has two fangs just like you.

Diablo: But I got claws.

Phoenix: That snake has a bite a hundred times worse than that gecko. By the way, why did you just eat the hind legs?

Diablo: Got bored after it died.

Not Butter

Phoenix: Broccoli? What kind of meal is broccoli?

Diablo: It’s pretty good.

Phoenix: Yeah, right. And while you sit there begging for a floret, I’m in the kitchen lickin’ butter out of the tub.

Diablo: It’s not butter.

Phoenix: Tastes like butter. I can’t believe it isn’t butter.

Diablo: It's Brummel & Brown. Made with yogurt.

Phoenix: Well, it beats broccoli.

Storm

Diablo: Where are you?

Phoenix: Shhh. I’m hiding, here, under the bed.

Diablo: Okay.

Phoenix: Figured it was a good place to ride out the storm.

Diablo: Sure is windy. Even the geckos are getting blown across the patio.

Phoenix: Reminds me of the vacuum cleaner. Too much noise. All that rain rattling on the windows.

Diablo: What are you going to do in a hurricane?

Phoenix: I hope she has sense enough to get us the hell out of here.

Peace

Phoenix: The didn’t last too long

Diablo: Long enough. You creep me out when you get “possessed.”

Phoenix: Understandable. Friends, again?

Diablo: Friends, again. Now come over here and clean the back of my head.

Cat Fight

Diablo: I dare you.

Phoenix: Get out of my face.

Diablo: You stay away from me.

Phoenix: I ain't kiddin'.

Diablo: Nor am I, you fur ball.

Night Prowl

Phoenix: This place looks like a hostel. Who are these people sleeping everywhere?

Diablo: Peace Corps people. I smell an opened bag of Doritos. I think it is sittin' on the floor right next to the guy sleeping on the couch.

Phoenix: I dare you to get it.

Diablo: I can taste that orange powdery coating – kind of salty. The crunchy chip. Ohhh, I could eat the whole bag.

Phoenix: No doubt. However, I don’t think he is going to let you have any.

Diablo: He is snoring. He’ll never know. If I tip-toe over and ever so carefully stick my nose in the bag…

Phoenix: ...So, he’s not a very heavy sleeper.

Diablo: Guess not. What if I…

Phoenix: It’s going to be a long night for this poor guy.

How in the hell....

Diablo: Did you turn the air-conditioning on the other day?

Phoenix: No comment.

Diablo: She sure didn't leave the condo all day and turn it on for us.

Phoenix: No comment.

Diablo: How did you do it?

Phoenix: No comment.

Diablo: Yeah, well...she sure knows you're the one who left the dead gecko tail in the middle of the floor.

Phoenix: No comment.

Need Insurance?

Diablo: Look. Look. It is one of those things I seen on TV.

Phoenix: What?

Diablo: There. Under the chair. It's a GEICO

Phoenix: A what?

Diablo: You know that green funny talking thing on TV. Sometimes licks its eyeball.

Phoenix: A gecko.

Diablo: That’s what I said. But this one is brown.

Phoenix: It didn’t have a British accent, did it?

Diablo: Never said a word.

Phoenix: What did it taste like?

Diablo: Chicken, of course. Not much meat, however.

SnAP!

Phoenix: It was huge.

Diablo: Such a waste. We could have had hours of fun chasing that mouse around the condo.

Phoenix: No, I meant the mousetrap. When that metal bar hit the vertebrae I thought it would snap in two. Bloody guts everywhere.

Diablo: Scary.

Alligator

Diablo: What do you think it is?

Phoenix: Could be a rat. They can live in the walls, crawl around the plumbing, emerge under the bathtub, come out of the vents.

Diablo: Could be a mouse.

Phoenix: Nope. It's making too much noise.

Diablo: A raccoon?

Phoenix: Too big to fit behind the wall.

Diablo: A squirrel?

Phoenix: That’s possible. If I could get through that vent…

Diablo: We are lucky she left the door open so we sit in the closet for hours and listen to whatever it is.

Phoenix: I’ve been up all night listening to it scurry around under the tub. I’m going to take a nap. You stand watch.

Diablo: You know…it could be a Gila Monster. I heard they have 'em in Florida.

Phoenix: You mean alligator?

Diablo: Yeah, that too.

Free Running

Diablo: What do you think?

Phoenix: I like the carpet. Good for traction, 'pecially when we are racing around the place.

Diablo: Got to be careful when you come flying through the kitchen. Linoleum.

Phoenix: Yeah and the bathroom too. Tile.

Diablo: We never lived in a place with this much carpet. Not the office, the apartment, the RV or the Big House.

Phoenix: Sure beats trying to run on hard wood.

18 Hours

Diablo: Where are we going?

Phoenix: South.

Diablo: I didn’t think South was this far away.

Phoenix: Two long days in the back of the jeep, sitting on piles of boxes, bags and other thing. It is getting old. This makes RV travel look pretty appealing.

Diablo: We should have been in Tennessee by now.

Phoenix: We aren’t going there.

Diablo: Some place new?

Phoenix: Florida.

Diablo: I kind of like the hotels. The fancy floral bedspreads, the big mirrors, the funny smells...

Phoenix: Just give me the hiding space between the headboard and wall.

Diablo: You know, I don’t think she likes you getting in there.

Bird Watching

Phoenix: What do you see out there?

Diablo: Birds.

Phoenix: You have been sitting there staring out the window for hours.

Diablo: Lots of birds.

Phoenix: You can’t get‘em.

Diablo: I like the red ones.

Phoenix: Cardinals?

Diablo: Yeah, they’re pretty.

Phoenix: Pretty….you mean tasty?

Diablo: Heck if I know. Never tasted one.

Phoenix: Hmmm. I’ll go for the Junco. Fatter. More of them. Better odds.

Diablo: Look at’em. They have all the food they want. Fly over to the feeder, grab a seed. Eat it. Get another. Look at all the seeds on the ground. I wish I was a bird.

Artic Cats

Diablo: Brrrr! I thought my little pads were going to stick to the ground. I think my ears were about to freeze and break off like icicles.

Phoenix: Why would you want to go outside when you can stretch out in the sunshine streaming through the window? By the way, just remember not to stick your nose on a cold metal pole.

Diablo: It never got this cold in Tennessee.

Phoenix: Be thankful you don’t live outdoors.

Diablo: Amen. Let’s go curl up in the sunshine.

Phoenix: I got a better idea. I think our cousin left some food in her bowl.

Diablo: Roger that.

Lonely Days, Lonely Nights

Diablo: Do you think she is ever coming back?

Phoenix: She has always come back before.

Diablo: The old guy is okay. I just don't dare sit at the table begging for food.

Phoenix: Yeah, and he doesn't give in to our poor starving hungry looks we give him.

Diablo: It has been nearly three weeks.

Phoenix: Don't worry. She has always come back.

Diablo: But sometimes it had been six or more months. You don't think she joined the Peace Corps again.

Phoenix: You just keep curling up on her pillow and be patient. She'll be back soon.

Diablo: Don't you miss her?

Phoenix: Yeah, I miss her. Come over here and let me clean your ears.

Serial Number...

Phoenix: That was low.

Diablo: A mean and dirty trick.

Phoenix: Microchipped...

Diablo: Right between the shoulder blades.

Phoenix: And tested for rabies too.

Diablo: Something tells me we aren't headed for Kansas, Toto.

Phoenix: No, but our blood samples are.

Cherry Pie

Diablo: Whoa, you are a bad cat.

Phoenix: Can’t believe the old man caught me.

Diablo: Three pies sitting on the counter and he found you up to your ears in the cherry.

Phoenix: It was made with cream cheese and sweet condensed milk and…

Diablo: And you ate so much you puked. I would have gone for the pumpkin. Carefully lick the surface and they would have never known.