Sunday, August 27, 2006

North Bound?

Diablo: I thought we were headed south.

Phoenix: We were.

Diablo: And now?

Phoenix: I think we are back in New York. It feels different. Something is wrong.

Diablo: I am not sure what it is. I have sat on her lap and purred. She seems to need this now.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Easy Treats

Diablo: Let me ask you a question. How come I have to go outside on the leash and when I come in she rewards me with a treat or two and then she tosses you one too? You did not do anything for the treat.

Phoenix: That is why I am known as the smart cat.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Sight Seeing

Phoenix: What a long day. Stop and go, stop and go. I think she was torturing us.

Diablo: She was sight seeing.

Phoenix: It upsets my sense of balance and what is right with the world.

Diablo: Give me a break. You make out like you are being tortured. If you aren’t careful and change that look, someone might come by and call the Humane Society. We both have been on that side of the fence. We don’t want to go back there. No one is going to adopt two, old cats. Every one wants a cute, adorable fuzzy kitten, even if they are not litter trained. We would be condemned within six weeks of hell living in a cage before the end of out days! And you? Look at you. Who wants a skinny cat?

Phoenix: Well, one would look at you and they would pass you by too. Who wants a fat cat? You’d frighten them into thinking you would bust their household budget.

Diablo: So see, we are better off on this rod trip. Outside of a few hours of travel every few days, it isn’t so bad. Get to smell those fishy ocean breezes, watch birds, rabbits and squirrels in the camp grounds…

Phoenix: You seem to be contented. You took to the cat scratching pad Valerie bought to keep you from tearing up the carpet on the walls. And then you played like a foolish little kitten with that paper bag the corn came in.

Diablo: Corn. Yummy. She left three ears out on the counter and I got to eat some of it raw. So delicious.

Phoenix: You are one sick cat. You think anyone else in the world would feed you corn and green beans.

Diablo: Yummm. Green beans. Being carnivorous is so over-rated.

Sunday, August 20, 2006


Phoenix: If you had been paying attention to my incredible problem-solving abilities, you would know how to open the door. When that fat little rabbit came waltzing past the door you could have swung that door open and....dinner. It would have been surprised.

Diablo: Did you see its smug attitude?

Phoenix: All I saw was your face smashing into the screen and your tail beating as fast as the windshield wipers in a deluge.

Diablo: Well you have a new problem to solve now. Valerie put a child-proof latch on the slide.

Phoenix: Elementary. I watched the whole installation process.

Diablo: And the bungee cord to keep the door shut?

Phoenix: Working on it.

Diablo: If you don’t watch out that door will come flying back to hit you in the face.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

The Brains and the Brawn

Home Depot

Diablo: Okay Einstein. You now have figured out how to open the slide to the screen door, and you have managed to open the screen door as well.

Phoenix: It is good to have options.

Diablo: Well, we are now going on a tip to Home Depot, thanks to you.

Phoenix: I won’t be deterred.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

The Plot

Diablo: She doesn’t expect you to make it back home.

Phoenix: I kind of think there isn’t a home anymore. First she takes us out of the office where, I got to tell you, life was good, even if David loved throwing me up in the air like a sag of potatoes.

Diablo: Yeah and I could got all kinds of junk food out of the office snack bar after you learned how to open the sling glass door.

Phoenix: A trick that came in pretty handy. Then for six months she sequestered us in that tiny studio apartment while she remodeled the kitchen.

Diablo: Remember when you got behind the wall?. She was pissed.

Pissed because I out smarted her. I waited patiently for two days before I saw my opportunity to sneak behind her and through that hole in the wall. Anyway, then she dragged us on that all night trip in her Jeep to spend a month at her parents’ house in New York. What are Tennessee cats to make of these Yankees?

Diablo: That wasn’t too bad. I managed to put on a few grams eating our Yankee cousin’s food. I don’t think The Booter cat was any worst for it.

Phoenix: I showed you where the food was and how to bust into the jar.

Diablo: I liked sitting at the dinner table, putting on the charm. Her mom thought I was the sweetest cat. Couldn’t figure out how Valerie resisted feeding me table scraps.

Valerie didn’t like that love handle you acquired. That is the reason she has us on a diet now. Speaking of now…look at our plight. Where are we headed? There is no home. We are just roaming around trying to sell a book about sailing. I heard there is a story in there about throwing cats overboard.

Diablo: Please…don’t speak of such things.

Phoenix: I am busting out of here.

Diablo: You have managed to open the slide on the screen door twice and jump out. You might be smart, but it wasn’t too cool in the middle of the night.

Phoenix: Hey, I am a cat. I can see at night.

I might have all the looks and you all the brains, but I think I rather take my chances in the RV.

Phoenix: If she puts me on that leash one more time, I am out of here.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Treasured Cat Toy

Diablo: Congratulations on your find. It was mummified. Stiff as a board. I am surprised it didn’t stink to high heavens.

Phoenix: My saliva glands couldn’t stop watering.

Diablo: Valerie was a little grossed out.
Phoenix: Yeah, her curiosity got the best of her when she noticed I took an interest in digging through the pile of grocery bags she had stored under the sink. When she blindly reached into the cabinet I knew she was in for a surprise. She put her fingers on its little furry head and pulled her hand back as fast as a snake strikes. Thought it was still alive.

Diablo: Hardly. Probably has been dead since 2004. Rat poison, I am sure.

Phoenix: Nevertheless, it would have made an excellent cat toy. Lord knows I could use a little stimulation.

Diablo: That was why she left the cabinet door open for you. Let you got exploring into the deep recesses of The Rig.

Phoenix: What have you caught lately?

Diablo: You didn’t catch a thing. You found a dead mouse.

Phoenix: And she had to toss it out the door.

Diablo: Smile!
Phoenix: Okay, now you. Say Cheese!

Monday, August 14, 2006

Corn Cobs

Phoenix: What the hell are you doing?

Diablo: Eating.

Phoenix: That is garbage! It’s a corn cob!

Diablo: It’s good. Sweet, chewy, a bit salty, and somewhat…. oooooh, buttery.

Phoenix: You aren’t suppose to eat the cob. You are chewing on it like a dog on a bone. It is making me ill.

Diablo: How about “like a tiger on a goat’s neck?” It is good you should try it. Don’t you know half that dried cat food she feeds us is made with corn?

Phoenix: I have noticed she is giving us less of it and you aren’t losing any weight.

Diablo: Wait a minute. I think I can see my hips again. I am sure I am down a couple of grams.

Phoenix: I noticed you hacked up a wad of grass this morning. You old goat.

Diablo: I was upset. She brought me inside before I was ready.

Phoenix: Frankly, you never are ready to come inside. Didn’t you see that monster Class A 45 foot diesel Monaco Executive with twin slides outside this morning? You always hunker down when they come by.

Diablo: That ain’t hunkering down. That is bowing before the gods.

Phoenix: She scooped you up to save your tabby ass from get run over by the gods.

Diablo: Oh shit. Here she comes.

Phoenix: You better get those corn bits off your whiskers. Of course, the mangled corn cob in the middle of the floor is a dead give away.

Diablo: Think she’ll notice?

Wednesday, August 09, 2006


Phoenix: What was going on outside last night?

Diablo: You didn’t see it?

Phoenix: Couldn’t see a thing. Sure had your tail snapping in the wind.

Diablo: Fat-ass chipmunk. I could just feel his little head in my mouth. Yummmmee.

Phoenix: Yuck. I’ll stick to eating moths and flies.

Diablo: You might as well be a vegetarian.

Phoenix: Look who is talking. You eat tomatoes, corn, carrots and avocados. You might as well be a dog or a trash compactor.

Diablo: Actually the grass around here is pretty sparse.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Real Escape

Phoenix: Good Lord, you were not suppose to jump out the window!

Diablo: If that was the case, why did you open it?

Phoenix: Testing my powers of analytical thinking.

Diablo: Well, it looked nice out there. Besides, she was out there.

Phoenix: No she wasn’t. She had gone across the parking lot to case out the books store, two blocks away. She could have been gone for hours. What if she had decided to see a movie or garb a bite to eat in the marketplace?

Diablo: Well I was just sitting underneath The Rig. I wasn’t outside that long.

Phoenix: The look on her face when she returned and saw the screen wide open. I know she thought I jumped out. But when she discovered it was you…well, she was scared to death. She immediately thought she lost you. It scared me! She looked at the woods and knew you were gone. She probably would have camped there for eternity, hoping you would return.

Diablo: Geeeze. I was just under The Rig.

Phoenix: She did not see you. Did you see the tears in her eyes? Did you hear the fright in her voice when she called out your name? Desperate and heart wrenching.

Diablo: Yeah, that made me a little concerned too. Honestly, I was getting a little scared. There were lots of cars. I could see the tires slowly roll by. And I did not know how I was going to get back in.

Phoenix: I was coming out after you.

Diablo: Oh? What, you didn’t think I could jump back through the window?

Phoenix: You are a little on the chubby side.

Diablo: At least my body isn’t all boney like yours.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Fake Escape

Diablo: You shouldn’t do that to her.

Phoenix: I wasn’t doing anything.

Diablo: You were hiding. Valerie could not find you.

Phoenix: She wasn’t looking very hard.

Diablo: She knows you can open cabinets and doors. You spent the better part of yesterday stashed under the bench or in the cabinet with the cat food. I can’t believe you didn’t chow down.
Phoenix: Would have made too much noise tearing into the bag.

Diablo: Valerie gets worried when she doesn’t know where you are. She even went outside and took a look around the RV. Guess she thought you had managed to get outside somehow. We all know how elusive you are.

Phoenix: I have mastered the trick of disappearing.

Diablo: Don’t do that.

Phoenix: What is with you and that leash? You look like a dog.

Diablo: Hey, careful there. It is no big deal. Today, I got to roll around in the dirt and lounged under the RV while Valerie painted her toenails.

Phoenix: She put that on me and it feels like I have a horse’s saddle on my back. Gives me the willies. When she took me outside, it was hotter than a tin roof. I managed to shed enough fur to knit a sweater. I preferred sleeping the afternoon on the comfortable box that contains 40 copies of The Last Voyage of the Cosmic Muffin.

Diablo: I prefer to be outside. Chased a chipmunk and stalked a herd of turkeys.

Phoenix: I think that is a flock…

Diablo: Whatever.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006


Diablo: Honestly, I did not realize she was being eaten alive by mosquitoes. I guess I was just absorbed in the moment—eating grass, rolling in the dirt and stalking that skinny-ass squirrel. One would think inside a campground there would be plenty of campers’ trash and picnic tables to raid that these squirrels could put a few extra ounces on their bones.

Phoenix: I don’t know how you can even think about going outside in this heat.

Diablo: It wasn’t my idea. Valerie cuffed me in that harness and leash. She opened the door and invited me out. I thought it was my duty to scout around the RV. You know. Make sure everything was all right. I checked the underside of The Rig. Found the dirt underneath was cool. Good for a roll.

Phoenix: I’m still recovering from that horrible excursion over the mountains in Vermont. I swear we were not going to make it up that first one. I thought I saw a bicycle rider pass us on the right side. His legs were spinning faster than we were moving. The RV was chugging.

Diablo: Yeah and did you see her calmly pull over when the engine light came on?

Phoenix: Calmly?

Diablo: Well, she ate a fruit cocktail as if nothing was wrong. Then jumped back in the cab and took off.

Phoenix: Too scared to pop the hood.

Diablo: You were looking a little green by the time we hit New Hampshire.

Phoenix: You know the state’s motto? Live Free of Die. Traveling in this RV is not living free and I felt like dying. I was exhausted after doing my best to convince Valerie to turn around and call this whole thing off.

Diablo: You have a loud meow.

Phoenix: Someone has to ask, “What are we doing here?”

Diablo: One day at a time my friend. It’s cool in the camper. The sleeping bag is fluffy and I’m tired. We are all tired. Tomorrow, we get to see Gloucester. Oldest seaport in America. I can smell the salt air, the sticky heavy air of the ocean…

Phoenix: Like you are ever going to walk on the beach. I’m going to see if I can bust that cabinet’s sliding door. There is food in there.