Monday, March 14, 2011

Unrest at Home

Big week. Final preparations for the wedding. Not the Royal Wedding. That’s in April. But the shin-dig in Chicago where Rosie and Cheeto’s peeps are saying “I do.” (I do what? Feed the cat, of course.) This means one thing. Living conditions for this week will become deplorable as attention turns toward all the fancy schmancy preparations. Perfect time for a revolution.

While the peeps are distracted we wonder who’s going to feed Cheeto the squillions of treats he demands. He needs to keep that butt in prime condition. (Not even going to talk about internal working order.) Who’s seeing the litter box meets his meticulous and immaculate standards? (Oh, maybe I am talking about internal working order?) Who’s lounging around to provide the comfy lap to chill on?

I’ve observed the living conditions of my dear friend as I have hung out on the couch for the past week. Close observations conclude peep attention has been elsewhere. Damn dog. New sporty car. Now is the time to demand liberty from the tyranny. These peeps are so distracted and will never see it coming.

Here’s the plan:

Day 1. Let the revolution begin. We shall begin with a our motto: Meow, meow, meow, meow, mwwarrraw. Best time to start a revolution is 3 am. Catch’em napping. Repeat until breakfast is served. Word to the wise. Don’t even try to serve noms in yesterday’s dirty bowl. It should be washed and dried. Clean dish towel please.

Day 2. The rally. Held in the living room, renamed Feline Freedom Square. The demonstration includes jumping on the TV, the coffee table, the book shelf and let’s not forget that fancy lamp. A good romp around the room should get their attention. We will keep our demands simple: Squillion of Noms or else…

Day 3. Peep nerves crumbling. Time to make more demands. We will don our bandanas and wave our flags. New leadership. Self-rule. We are done with this government. We want a say in our destiny. We want to be free to elect TUNA or MORE TUNA.

Twitter spreads the cause around the world. We gain sympathy from all cats who love freedom, democracy and TUNA. The oppressive rulers will be asked to step down.

Day 4. Suddenly peeps disappear. The revolution a success. Now we are hungry. Wait, we were kidding.

Congratulations Scot and Kimberly. Have a can of sardines. I was going to give it to the Royals.

Sunday, March 06, 2011

My Ready

I tweeted, “my ready is going to kick your ready's butt.” @BibleCat, also found on Twitter, wanted to know “in essay form please, could you give me 3 whys as to why you like that saying about 'ready'....Ready? Start typing” Geesh, I am trying to survive out here on the road and now I must stop and do some homework? But the BibleCat is good breed, so I will elaborate.

I spent a long night in Gary, Indiana. Not the charming little place of song in the movie the Music Man, but an economically ravaged city of the Midwest. It looks like a rabbit on the side of the road after the vultures picked through the innards. The good pars are gone. Nothing but the matted fur remains. Conditions like these make my trouble radar beep loud and clear. Every corner here has a creepy look about it.

Most of my road troubles come from dogs, raccoons and the occasional Chinaman who wants to use me as a stock base. But last night I ran into a pride of felines mistakenly taken me as some kind of wuss puss from Tennessee. Little had they heard of Sergeant York, the World War I Congressional Medal of Honor recipient from Tennessee. That’s the way we grow them down on the farm in the hills of Tennessee. I’ve hung with the toughest of street cat and I got a cred of my own.

Sure I have spent my fair share of time on the plump pillows of a couch, or on the window sills gazing at chipmunks. I've spent way too much time figuring out how to open a refrigerator. And sure I have an impeccable coat of fur, groomed to perfection, so intoxicating few peeps can resist the desire to pick me up and squeeze me like I was some sort of roll of Charim. So I can see why the punks thought they could take an advantage.

Here are the reasons why my ready is going to kick your ready’s butt.
  1. It isn’t competition that drives my ready. It is survival. I haven’t made all these miles to be done in by a pack of genetic mutants claiming to be of the regal feline persuasion. I live to die a legend, not to be a statistic in Gary, Indiana.
  2. I’m on a mission. As a cat of high integrity I do what I say and I finish what I start. Chicago is right around the corner (of this lake) and that is where I said I'm going. I’ll investigate the living conditions of my friends, Rosie and Cheeto, @rosieandcheeto. Make a full report to the World Domination Order and be off to England. My attendance at the royal wedding has been requested of the Queen. I will accomplish my mission. It is in my DNA. Sort of like James Bond, 007, you think? And I have a oily can a sardines to present to the royal couple.
  3. It is my catitude. I was born ready. I live ready. And I eat ready. Wait…that is, I’m always ready to eat.

So what happened? That's another cat tale.

Friday, March 04, 2011

On The Road

An inquiring follower wanted to know about Phoenix. So I will fill in the some details since my last entry. She's fine.

As for me, I’m still getting up in the morning, eating, sleeping, eating, prowling and, well if I am not sleeping, I’m eating. My machine just works that way.

My homie Phoenix works very similarly except she always been the smart one. She stays home and worries about me as I venture onto the asphalt. I have avoided using the highways much of this travel season. Road maintenance in the north country requires a lot of salt, dirt and other stuff that makes my pads tender. And it tastes awful too.

I struck out on the road to Chicago over a month ago. Progress this year has been hampered by high winds and snow banks well over my head. Bitter cold has kept the snow pack weak, so open field running bogs me down. Seems like Chicago is in the middle of the country or something. It didn't look that far on the map. Maybe six inches or so. It is taking forever to get there and now I have another reason to be in the Windy City.

My original purpose was to visit my friends Rosie and Cheeto (follow them on Twitter at @rosieandcheeto). Presently they are enduring horrible living conditions, denied treats and forced into human bondage - the cuddles. Worst of all is the backward fur rub causing static electricity. All could be cured with squillions of tuna treats packed in heavy oil. That will give their coats a shine. I’ve come to demand such.

But there might be a logical reason for this abuse. Seems Rosie and Cheeto’s peeps are in love and going to get married in less than two weeks. Since I am attending the Royal Wedding in April, I thought I’d crash this wedding. I’ll be able to scout out the ceremonial activities so nothing in England catches me off the royal guard. No need to cause a blunder that could cause an international incident. The O-man doesn't need my help.

So dear followers send the tuna express treats my way. I’ve turned south southwest to swoop around Lake Michigan and must rally all my senses to tackle the streets of Gary, Indiana.